Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Is this thing on?

I haven't been posting because I haven't been feeling much self-acceptance. In general, this means I have a hard time being in the world. I don't feel like that is the full reason for much of the stuff below, but it's part of it. As much as I want to change some of this because it increases my isolation, I can't seem to change it, and letting go of trying to change it just makes me feel more isolated.

  • I feel less verbal. It can be very hard to talk. Hair trigger frustration. Incomplete sentences. Can I just go hide and rock now?
  • Making eye contact is harder. Doing it means a rush of adrenaline. It's too intense. Mostly I look everywhere but at a person.
  • High anxiety making me silly.
Don't get me wrong, I like myself. I'm just having a hard time with the involuntary stuff that makes it difficult to connect with others. 

3 comments:

Douglas Hunter said...

For me,

Shared interests/activities can bring the connection without needing words.
Most of what I interact with is non-verbal and of a sensory nature (texture, colour, movement, chill, taste, visual patterns etc.) . The addition to this is social courtesy to those I can help, flies, wasps, plants, dogs etc.

holding eye contact is momentary at best and very very fatiguing

high social anxiety (and silliness) I totally recognize, general verbal social interaction doesn't work for me. I function socially through helping with tasks, listening or learning from my surroundings. The load of verbal communication rests upon the task donator for this (whether they be sentient or not).

half finished thoughts but that's my tuppence :)

Sheri said...

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Is there a way to accept that it's involuntary and out of your control? That sounds impossible to me, but perhaps it might work.

Karen said...

Hi Douglas
Thanks for the thoughts, half formed as they may be. I like the idea of shared connection without words. I can get frustrated when the other person isn't working on that level, and so doesn't notice my communications there. I can have a hard time being explicit, so then get caught in a silence that feels stuck.

Sheri, I think acceptance is key. I think it's basically involuntary, and maybe it is useful in some way? I think it can be.

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