Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Is this thing on?

I haven't been posting because I haven't been feeling much self-acceptance. In general, this means I have a hard time being in the world. I don't feel like that is the full reason for much of the stuff below, but it's part of it. As much as I want to change some of this because it increases my isolation, I can't seem to change it, and letting go of trying to change it just makes me feel more isolated.

  • I feel less verbal. It can be very hard to talk. Hair trigger frustration. Incomplete sentences. Can I just go hide and rock now?
  • Making eye contact is harder. Doing it means a rush of adrenaline. It's too intense. Mostly I look everywhere but at a person.
  • High anxiety making me silly.
Don't get me wrong, I like myself. I'm just having a hard time with the involuntary stuff that makes it difficult to connect with others. 

Sunday, August 14, 2011

On Autistic Space

I'm not a hater, a (autistic) segregationist, a person who is very bitter from years of being misunderstood.
However, current happenings on (see blog commentary about it here:
where posts by autistic people were taken down because of hateful comments, makes me ever more desiring of a number of autistic only spaces, or spaces where the autistic voices are privileged. I really appreciated Stuart Duncan's post because as a parent, he takes the stance that feels the most supportive, accepting, and advocating for us. I still reel about the hate, the sensorship, the silencing of autistic voices because of such bad behavior on the part of non-autistic people.

I belong to a couple of online email groups on yahoo and google, for ASD or sensory processing disorder (SPD). One, for example, is an adult SPD forum where many people are sharing their self-discovery around this, and the challenges of getting adult occupational therapy when most therapists only treat kids. Every once in a while a parent becomes active on the list, and starts asking questions about their child (whatever the age), and I just feel like quitting. I've tried to raise the fact that there are PLENTY of parent support forums out there, but most other people seem to think it'd be wrong to exclude non-autistic/SPD people. I have no trouble if parents want to read forums where adults talk about stuff, because they can learn a tremendous amount from people who are actually experiencing autism/SPD. But I don't feel it's the place to ask questions, parenting advice, stuff like that. It feels at best intrusive, and at worst, exploitative.

It's not about hate, in my mind. I just really want a space where our voices don't seem threatened, even when it's well meaning parents trying to glean insight into their children. It seems harmless, but for people like me who have a hard time anyway being totally open, I could really use a space where it's clear that autistic voices are not ever going to be threatened. (notice that here, I am creating this space so it's really autistic space).

That's wishful thinking. I know that somehow. But I can still state my ideal world, maybe someday I'll find that space.

 Autreat is an example, and really I need to make an effort to go next year. It's just hard to travel that distance, with cost etc. But it's the only one I can think of that's really autistic space, and deliberately so.

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