Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg's post about self-worth touched a current in me that filled me with .. I don't even know. Thanks, alexithymia.

I've been married a little over three months. J is troubled about our lack of emotional connection. I am too. Every marriage faces challenges, but add autistic crap to that and it can feel potentially un-rescuable.

It isn't really un-rescuable, just like neuroplasticity means I'm not some static human who doesn't change, and potentially grow beyond social deficits.

When J shares how he's feeling in relation to me, (when anyone does, really), my response is most often disconnected from the person -- I just circle back into myself and blame myself and allow what they're saying to feed my empty sense of worth. I can sometimes be angry that they are blaming me for the whole situation, but I also somehow know that their assertions are true and I despair. J says he has trouble explaining some of where he's coming from and how he sees me because he senses that I won't understand. I accept this as true and I slide further.

I am doubting my ability to connect. I often just don't know how to respond to statements about feelings.

I feel pretty empty and boring and afraid to go into the world. I often don't go anywhere unless I've made a commitment to do so.

I am shutting myself off in self-protection.

Every week (when the stress gets too much to hold in), J raises the issues of our lack of connection and his doubt about us working, his uncertainty around me being able to be an adult with him in the world to socialize with average people, to be able to be at his level emotionally, get better at communicating. I agree that these are issues. I see that neither of us knows what to do about it. Not really. I can improve myself through various actions like being physically active and keep practicing connecting, working on auditory processing. It just feels like uphill, and I keep sliding.

I have two modes:

1. guarded defensiveness which includes bodily clenching and holding and hyper-sensitivity as well as emotional opacity and blunted perceptions of the social world. A kind of depressive sullen vacuous lump.

2. childish abandon which includes incongruent exuberance, strange voices and mannerisms, silliness, sometimes fake happiness, a level of emotional opacity and no awareness of the people in the world around me and where they're at. A kind of abandonment of the hyper-vigilance I usually maintain, the release valve if you will, the spastic.

The above is too simplistic, but it's a rough idea of how I feel like I live in places that don't make sense when you look at them all together. It's like there's little continuity to who I am. Except, I can experience depression as a continuity. I can experience anxiety as a continuity, as well as the feeling like I'm not like other people and I feel alone.

I am going to find someone to talk to, who knows about issues related to aspergers.

A squirrel keeps scaling the outside of the house right by the window, and the cats are stalking 'im. Gonna try and snag a picture. Living in the little smiles helps a bit, as I try to deal with this current slide.

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