Monday, August 10, 2009

What is this blog? Do you want to box me in?

I don't know what will come out on this blog. I have no mission, except joy. If you're searching, asking the neurodiversity vs cure question, I hope you don't find it here because I think nothing is so simple. I have problems I want to solve, but my core essence is who I am; it's wonderful! I practice yoga, I cultivate joy (hence the title of this blog). I am not normal, and I ACCEPT that, whatever label I have. I believe accepting others is tantamount.

A casein, gluten and soy free diet is something I am trying to do. I use a small amount of medication to regulate processing and social anxiety. I think ASD spectrum contains so much diversity that one answer just doesn't fit. I think that environmental factors can't be overlooked; I think that the sensory problems associated with autism are a huge part of my behaviour, and I experience my sensory problems as being greatly improved by changes in my diet. I would like to reduce my corn intake. Corn is associated with C-13 isotopes - literally a heavier carbon atom than what naturally occurs in the environment. I would like to avoid industrial agriculture.

Yoga helps me with sensory processing. Think joint compression.

I would like to learn how to read social contexts better so I can feel confident to be in the world and do well in my yoga teaching career. I want to improve my executive function. I want to cultivate my special interests and lose my internet addiction. I want to take care of my cats and myself and my fiance-soon-to-be-husband. I'm not sure how well i'd do on my own, as I've always had family support.

But I wouldn't change myself for the world! I'm a great person. I have a lot of compassion (which a lot of aspies do). It's so painful that I can't express it a lot of the time. I "soak" up the emotions in a room. I feel intensely. I've spent enough time trying to change myself for the world. IT DOESN'T WORK.

I spent so long wondering what was wrong with me, stifiling myself, fighting to fit in, fighting to be normal, taking medications to try and erase how I needed to be, depressed because I couldn't be myself, suicidal from too much medication, and on and on and on and I AM TIRED. So tired.

I've seen the horrible things some curebies have published about the neurodiversity community and the individuals in that community. I suppose I'm more on that side than not; chelation, restraints, ABA (what I've seen of it, however fucking fun it's supposed to be), and the whole world of fluorescent lights and perfumes and the constant noise and pollution .. all of these things are torture to autistic people.

As much as I've felt burned out and unsupported in being who I am, I am glad I didn't get put through the machine that is killing the spirits of so many.

However there are things that I want to change. I want to reduce my overwhelm and burnout. I don't think these things are genetic in whole, except there are patterns in my family, including sensory problems and food sensitivities and social anxiety that I can identify. But I've studied anthropology and specifically the trope of genetics. It's not everything. In fact it's not most of it. If you eliminate this genetic variation, you will eliminate people whose "gene(s) for autism" never get turned on. I hope that the genetic research gets to a point that scientists and those lobbying for gene therapy or early detection realize that solving the 'problem' through gene solutions is equal to genocide. If all this makes me part of the ND community, I'm much happier there than torturing myself with lack of self-acceptance and continuing to feel "wrong" in the world.


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